Nobody mentions this on campus tours, but here it is: when you choose a roommate, you are also choosing every partner and situationship that comes with them. If you do not talk about that up front, your two-person room can quietly become a three-person one - and you become the permanent third wheel in your own home.
The Unwritten Rule No One Actually Agrees On
Most shared flats operate on a vague "understanding" about partners staying over: "a few nights is fine", "as long as they are respectful", "they help out sometimes". But because nobody wants to sound jealous or controlling, no one gets specific.
That is how you end up with:
- A partner effectively living there five nights a week.
- One more person using the shower, kitchen, Wi‑Fi and fridge every day.
- Higher bills for electricity and water that no one planned for.
- You timing your day around when someone else's relationship is happening in your space.
The tension is rarely about the partner as a person. It is about space, resources, and consent. You never agreed to live with them, but it slowly starts to feel like you do.
It Is Not About the Person, It Is About the Space
From a psychological angle, chronic roommate frustration around partners usually maps to a few core needs:
- Autonomy: you want to feel you have a say over who is in your home, and when.
- Fairness: if someone is effectively using the flat like home, it feels fair that they contribute.
- Safety and privacy: you need spaces where you can relax without an audience.
When those needs are not met, your brain does not think "this is about fridge space." It thinks, my room does not feel like mine anymore.
That sense of crowding has real wellbeing impacts. Studies on shared housing and student mental health link perceived lack of control at home with more stress and lower life satisfaction (e.g., see reviews on student housing experiences by the European Students' Union, 2021). Your guest policy is not a petty detail - it is infrastructure for your nervous system.
Why You Need a "Third Wheel" Policy
A "Third Wheel" policy is just a clear, shared agreement on:
- How many nights per week partners or guests can stay over.
- What happens when that limit is regularly exceeded.
- When a frequent guest is expected to chip in for utilities.
- Where lines are around privacy, noise and shared spaces.
The key is timing. You want this conversation to happen before you move in together, not mid-crisis. It is much easier to set ground rules while everyone is calm than after months of built-up resentment.
How Domu Match Handles Guest Frequency Up Front
Domu Match bakes this into the questionnaire so you do not have to improvise. Instead of asking, "Are you okay with guests?" (everyone says yes), we ask:
- "How many nights per week are you comfortable with overnight guests?"
- "What best describes your ideal guest policy?" with options ranging from "rarely ever" to "partner basically lives with me."
- "Should long-term partners contribute to utilities if they stay often?"
When you match through Domu Match, you can filter and compare people not just on lifestyle and study habits, but specifically on guest expectations. That means you can:
- Match with people who also prefer a "no regular sleepovers" home.
- Or, if you are the one in a long-term relationship, match with people who are explicitly okay with that.
- See potential friction before you sign a lease together.
You can explore those options any time via the matching dashboard.
Scripts You Can Borrow for Real Life
Some language you can use with current or future roommates:
- Before you move in: "I know guests are part of student life, but I function best if our home does not feel crowded. Could we agree a rough cap on overnights, like 1–2 nights a week?"
- If it is already a problem: "I really like [name], but the number of nights they are here is making the flat feel more crowded than we agreed. Can we set a weekly limit that feels fair to everyone?"
- On money: "If someone is staying here three or more nights a week, using the shower and cooking here, could we talk about them contributing a bit to utilities?"
Designing a Home Where Everyone Feels Invited - Not Replaced
The goal is not to ban partners. It is to design a home where:
- You feel safe bringing up discomfort without being labelled jealous.
- Partners feel welcome, but not like unofficial tenants who never got consent from everyone.
- Your home still feels like your base, even when relationships evolve.
Domu Match helps by turning messy, emotional topics into neutral data points and filters. Instead of silently hoping your roommate is "reasonable", you can match with people whose guest expectations actually look like yours.
References
European Students' Union. (2021). Student housing and wellbeing in Europe. Brussels, Belgium. Retrieved from https://www.esu-online.org/?policy=student-housing